How to make a cat fall in love
Until earlier this year, I never had a cat, and had seldom been around them. (I cannot say that this was a great loss.) On the other hand, during my formative years, I spent a considerable amount of time with dogs. I learned that they are generally easy to please: pet them, hug them, feed them, and you become god to them. They will love you and be forever loyal to you if you do these things.
Cats, however, are different. They are very different. For example, I am not the real owner of my cat. The real owner of my cat loves my cat very much. He adopted her, feeds her, buys her toys and scratching towers, takes out her . . . well, you know, and otherwise ensures that she has a warm, safe, and clean environment. In addition, the real owner of the cat loves her very much. He seeks to cuddle her, pet her, and occassionally pick her up. For his love, he is treated with utter contempt. I believe my cat despises him.
I, on the other hand, have taken a different approach to building a deep and loving relationship with my cat. This approach does consume a fair amount of time each day, but the results are definitely worth it. It goes something like this:
11:00 pm - cat is cleared from room and door is shut. Sock is placed in door to ensure that door does not rattle when cat scratches on it.
3:00 am - cat somehow got into the room and is walking over my face. Pick cat up, toss her on the floor and tell her to go OUT.
3:05 am - cat decides to sleep on my bed. I decide cat should not sleep on bed. I get up, pick up cat, bodily remove cat from room, and shut the door.
3:45 am - cat scratches on door
3:47 am - cat is still scratching on door
3:49 am - I get up, open door, and pour water on cat. Cat runs away.
3:50-4:00 am - previous process repeated several times.
4:30 am - cat has now been in "time out" for enough time to consider how precious time with the I truly is.
5:00 am - cat returns to door, but seeks to obtain entrance through pulling at the I's heart strings by cautiously, yet plaintively, meowing outside the door belong to the I.
5:30 am - I arise and greet cat warmly, yet am careful to keep the encounter brief. I then flippantly toss her on the floor to make sure she doesn't decide to leave of her own accord.
8:00 am - after sleeping for a few more minutes, showering, eating breakfast, and having a devotion, I am ready to leave. I can't reach the cat, which is presently centrally located under my bed, so I lift the bed, frame and all, and say "OUT" in the most convincing manner possible. Cat reluctantly cooperates.
6:30 pm - I arrive home and sit down at my desk. Cat has been worriedly waiting for me all day, hoping that she has not completely fallen from my good graces. Cat attempts to win my favor by walking back and forth between my arms and my keyboard and making loud purring sounds. Cat further seeks to win my approval by sweeping her tail across my face.
6:32 pm - The I's patience is running thin. The I gently picks up cat and throws her out the door.
6:33 pm - Cat is undeterred, though a bit more concerned, and leaps onto my keyboard and sticks her pink little nose in my face.
6:34 pm - the I is touched by this show of love and responds with a little scratching of the whiskers (hers, not his).
6:35 pm - The I throws cat on floor.
6:35.25 pm - Cat jumps onto desk.
6:35.30 pm - The I removes cat from desk.
6:35.35 pm - Cat seeks alternate route, and jumps under arm onto lap, then onto desk.
6:35.40 pm - I place cat under desk and guard her with my feet. Cat responds my chewing my toes in a clear attempt to escape from confinement.
7:00 pm - Cat now has come to fully appreciate all that the I is. He is a master, a king, a ruler. He doesn't feed cat, he doesn't take out cat's litter, he doesn't pet cat. The I is truly above the dominion of cats. He is supreme, he is all powerful, he is majestic, he is the one to whom all honor is due. He is the I, incarnated in human flesh. (Actually, it's just me, but don't tell my cat.) Therefore, my cat does all my bidding, and lets me hold and pet her for hours if I so choose. In my hands she is awe-stricken and goes limp. She sits like a dog at the door and waits for me when I come home from work, and I often find her sitting outside my bedroom door in the morning. She's my cat, and she loves me. Weird animals.
Cats, however, are different. They are very different. For example, I am not the real owner of my cat. The real owner of my cat loves my cat very much. He adopted her, feeds her, buys her toys and scratching towers, takes out her . . . well, you know, and otherwise ensures that she has a warm, safe, and clean environment. In addition, the real owner of the cat loves her very much. He seeks to cuddle her, pet her, and occassionally pick her up. For his love, he is treated with utter contempt. I believe my cat despises him.
I, on the other hand, have taken a different approach to building a deep and loving relationship with my cat. This approach does consume a fair amount of time each day, but the results are definitely worth it. It goes something like this:
11:00 pm - cat is cleared from room and door is shut. Sock is placed in door to ensure that door does not rattle when cat scratches on it.
3:00 am - cat somehow got into the room and is walking over my face. Pick cat up, toss her on the floor and tell her to go OUT.
3:05 am - cat decides to sleep on my bed. I decide cat should not sleep on bed. I get up, pick up cat, bodily remove cat from room, and shut the door.
3:45 am - cat scratches on door
3:47 am - cat is still scratching on door
3:49 am - I get up, open door, and pour water on cat. Cat runs away.
3:50-4:00 am - previous process repeated several times.
4:30 am - cat has now been in "time out" for enough time to consider how precious time with the I truly is.
5:00 am - cat returns to door, but seeks to obtain entrance through pulling at the I's heart strings by cautiously, yet plaintively, meowing outside the door belong to the I.
5:30 am - I arise and greet cat warmly, yet am careful to keep the encounter brief. I then flippantly toss her on the floor to make sure she doesn't decide to leave of her own accord.
8:00 am - after sleeping for a few more minutes, showering, eating breakfast, and having a devotion, I am ready to leave. I can't reach the cat, which is presently centrally located under my bed, so I lift the bed, frame and all, and say "OUT" in the most convincing manner possible. Cat reluctantly cooperates.
6:30 pm - I arrive home and sit down at my desk. Cat has been worriedly waiting for me all day, hoping that she has not completely fallen from my good graces. Cat attempts to win my favor by walking back and forth between my arms and my keyboard and making loud purring sounds. Cat further seeks to win my approval by sweeping her tail across my face.
6:32 pm - The I's patience is running thin. The I gently picks up cat and throws her out the door.
6:33 pm - Cat is undeterred, though a bit more concerned, and leaps onto my keyboard and sticks her pink little nose in my face.
6:34 pm - the I is touched by this show of love and responds with a little scratching of the whiskers (hers, not his).
6:35 pm - The I throws cat on floor.
6:35.25 pm - Cat jumps onto desk.
6:35.30 pm - The I removes cat from desk.
6:35.35 pm - Cat seeks alternate route, and jumps under arm onto lap, then onto desk.
6:35.40 pm - I place cat under desk and guard her with my feet. Cat responds my chewing my toes in a clear attempt to escape from confinement.
7:00 pm - Cat now has come to fully appreciate all that the I is. He is a master, a king, a ruler. He doesn't feed cat, he doesn't take out cat's litter, he doesn't pet cat. The I is truly above the dominion of cats. He is supreme, he is all powerful, he is majestic, he is the one to whom all honor is due. He is the I, incarnated in human flesh. (Actually, it's just me, but don't tell my cat.) Therefore, my cat does all my bidding, and lets me hold and pet her for hours if I so choose. In my hands she is awe-stricken and goes limp. She sits like a dog at the door and waits for me when I come home from work, and I often find her sitting outside my bedroom door in the morning. She's my cat, and she loves me. Weird animals.
posted by jph | 10:31 PM
|
0 comments
